This essay is written in response to the class notes of the remix unit. “Everything is a remix. Everything is ‘o’riginal. A Remix is a better way to conceive creativity. The basic elements of creativity are to copy, transform, and combine. Creativity comes from within, not from without. For every artist, everybody who composes wants to be different and innovative. But no one has [my] experiences. No one else will write in [my] way. Because of [my] positionality, it is impossible to [compose] something that’s not original. Collaboration calls on the history that is embedded in the content, tools, and genre. Giving credit is the difference between appropriating and remixing. There has to be a clear distinction between [my] own words and someone else’s.” I connect the concepts of a remix with the concerns that I have been dealing with as a student who studies math.

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Solution manual is an effective painkiller. The answer is out there. I don’t have to think anymore. The pain will stop. All I need is to copy and wait for the guaranteed score. I loved solution manual. Flipping pages back and forth, I was ready to take the most effective painkiller while cautious about getting caught.

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My manual addiction broke when I realized that everything I copy will be on my answer sheet but not in my head. Whenever I encounter the same question from which I earned scores by copying, I get stuck again. Nothing has changed: the same logic with the same numbers. But I still get stuck at the exact same point I gave up thinking. I copy again. This loop repeats three times, four times... It’s a script.

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Not only is it scary, it’s a glamour. I cannot escape the loop without effort; no one can escape for free. There is no free ride. The best is undoubtedly the sense of accomplishment on rare occasions. One time I was waiting for the class, dealing with a problem that I struggled for hours. Few seconds after the class started, I finally solved the problem in the way it should be. At that moment, I could feel the adrenaline rushing. Afraid to be perceived as a weirdo who smiles with no reason in public, I enjoyed a silent festival inside my brain. The moment I finally grasp the concept that I had no idea, it gives me another level of joy as well.

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Independence, however, does not guarantee luck. This method is counter-productive if I define ‘productive’ as being efficient, getting a good grade, or paving the way that helps my near future. I used most of my time in front of problems and notes. No matter how much effort I put into a problem, there is no score if I cannot solve it, which risks my near future. It is expensive to be free from the trap of solution manual. Perhaps this is why people say ‘don’t turn your passion into a job.’

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Do I have to lean on solution manual again? Would it be different this time since what I had been doing was fake math, so-called computation? When is the right time to give up and look at the manual? If I remix my answer by copying, transforming, and combining different approaches, would I be able to understand the same amount as I did by myself? Would I get another style of joy? What if I become eager to take the easy way? What if I am losing the chance to throw another silent festival? What if I reach the point where there are no solution manuals?

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Am I writing this as an absolution?